funny wise quotes

It's a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it's light out. ~Bill Watterson


No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. ~George Bernard Shaw


All lies and jests, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest. ~Paul Simon


My childhood smells like a box of Crayola crayons. ~Jessi Lane Adams


Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease. ~Lisa Alther


While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. ~Leonardo Da Vinci


The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. ~Harry Emerson Fosdick


Saying is one thing, doing another. We must consider the sermon and the preacher distinctly and apart. ~Montaigne, Essays, 1588


Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. ~P.J. O'Rourke


Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. ~John Stuart Mill, Autobiography, 1873


People that put themselves above others will fall longer and harder. ~Gina Lindley


Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income. ~Alfred E. Neuman


You haven't seen a tree until you've seen its shadow from the sky. ~Amelia Earhart


You must not blame me if I do talk to the clouds. ~Henry David Thoreau


A nickel will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat. ~Old New York Proverb


Holden: "You know that song, 'If a body catch a body comin' through the rye'?..."


What this planet needs is more mistletoe and less missile-talk. ~Author Unknown


Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. ~Judy Carter


Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends. ~Shirley Maclaine


Thoughts, like fleas, jump from man to man. But they don't bite everybody. ~Stanislaw Lec, Unkempt Thoughts, 1962