stupid funny quotes

What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? ~Robert H. Schuller


People often say that, in a democracy, decisions are made by a majority of the people. Of course, that is not true. Decisions are made by a majority of those who make themselves heard and who vote - a very different thing. ~Walter H. Judd


Hold on, man. We don't go anywhere with "scary," "spooky," "haunted," or "forbidden" in the title. ~From Scooby-Doo


I have come to the feeling about television the way I do about hamburgers: I eat a lot of hamburgers and I don't remember a single one of them. ~John Barrow, 1973


O poor mortals, how ye make this earth bitter for each other. ~Thomas Carlyle, The French Revolution, vol. I, book II, chapter 1


We have to have faith in ourselves. I have never met a woman who, deep down in her core, really believes she has great legs. And if she suspects that she might have great legs, then she's convinced that she has a shrill voice and no neck. ~Cynthia Heimel


One dog barks at something, and a hundred bark at the bark. ~Chinese Proverb


To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. ~Josh Billings


I need neither future nor past, but to learn to take today not too fast. ~Jeb Dickerson, www.howtomatter.com


Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument. ~Richard Whately


If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart. ~Socrates


The scratches in Yoko Ono records are moments of relief. ~S.A. Sachs


Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers. ~Merle Kessler


The man who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else to which he is justly entitled. ~Andrew Carnegie


My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? ~Erma Bombeck


I have never seen a bad television program, because I refuse to. God gave me a mind, and a wrist that turns things off. ~Jack Paar


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. ~Author Unknown


As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. ~Albert Einstein, Sidelights on Relativity


An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. ~John Buchan


Stress is an admission of weakness, a cry of defeat to the world. ~Carrie Latet